ACKNOWLEDGE THE PROBLEM
s3xual libidos differ and it is estimated that one out of three couples struggles with problems associated with low s3xual desire. Berman says the most common s3xual complaint in committed relationships is uneven desire. Couples need to know that it's essential to compromise and agree to a middle ground. "And though it's tough to deal with advances being rebuffed repeatedly, remind yourself that the rejection may not just be about you," says Ashima Sinha, consulting psychologist.
TIME THE TALK
In Talking to Your Partner About s3x, Berman writes that couples should start the conversation "outside the bedroom" when they "aren't feeling tense".
Marriage therapist Corey Allan makes another suggestion in How To Talk About s3x With Your Spouse: "Don't talk about needs and desires during or right after s3x."
BREAK THE ICE
Therapists believe the best place to discuss s3x is out of the bedroom — it could be while having coffee at the neighbourhood cafe or while having dinner. Experts recommend opening with a gentle one-liner like, "I love you, and I'd like to feel more connected to you." Agree to keep the conversation short and try not to monopolise it. If you feel uncomfortable, initiate it over the phone but do move to face-to-face eventually.
COMMUNICATE BETTER
Dr Stanley Ducharme, a Bostonbased s3x therapist, suggests that couples be clear, open and honest. "Express your needs from a personal perspective. Pay close attention to verbal and nonverbal responses, take your partner's feelings into consideration, and be open to any questions," he writes on his blog. Verbalising what you are feeling in bed could help too.
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TUNE IN TO EACH OTHER
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but they must survive on Earth. "Women must understand that men achieve a sense of emotional closeness and romantic connection through the physical act of s3x. So, the more s3xually connected and available you are, the more emotionally tuned in he will be. And men must understand that women typically achieve a sense of emotional closeness through romance, talking, kissing, cuddling...without it always being a preamble to s3x. When she feels emotionally close, she is significantly more inspired to want s3xual contact," Berman says.
DON'T KEEP COUNT
Stop keeping score. Remember that s3x does not mean only intercourse. Other activities, be it oral s3x or touching, and affectionate behaviour such as kissing, cuddling and caressing are also associated with higher s3xual satisfaction for both, men and women. "Work on compromises that can lead to a more satisfying s3x life — longer foreplay, more affectionate behaviour or a weekly dinner date," Sinha says.
DITCH THE BLAME GAME
Don't accuse. It makes your partner feel inadequate, and slip into defensive mode. Use "I", not "you". So say, "I feel insecure when we don't have s3x" rather than "You don't seem to be interested in me". Focus on what can be done to improve things.
MAKE THINGS FUN
It may be a serious issue, but that's no reason to be stern. Keep things enjoyable and entertaining. "Share fantasies, discuss new positions or explore porn together," Sinha advises.
GIVE IT TIME
Rome wasn't built in a day. So give your partner time to think and respond. Don't mind read and never assume that you know it all. Remember that this may take more than one conversation — don't try to 'solve' it immediately.
MOVE AHEAD
Therapists suggest that talks need to be followed up with a plan, much like at work. Act on your promises.
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