1. It’s not that we don’t like giving blowjobs, you just need to make sure your junk is clean.I’m a huge fan of both giving and receiving 0’ral s3x. Men are really vocal about how they won’t go down on women who “smell funny” or “taste weird” — but women are expected to be enthusiastic about giving bl0’wjobs regardless of the circumstances. Make our job (teehee) easier and make sure you’ve taken a shower recently. Manscaping, to any extent, is also always appreciated.
2. You’re not going to break us. Sometimes rough s3x is just what we want.
3. Sometimes we just want to go to sleep afterwards. Stereotypes dictate that women are huge fans of pillow talks and cuddling. Want to know the truth, though? Sometimes we also just want to roll over to our side of the bed and pass the eff out. s3x is hard work and I have to be up for my 8AM class tomorrow.
4. Please stop ramming your p3nis into my cervix. I know it makes you feel like a manly man to go that deep, but it really hurts and kills the mood.
5. Clean sheets are always appreciated. You know what’s really s3xy? Walking into a guy’s room and seeing his bed is completely clean. No piles of laundry, no weird stains, no food wrappers. And if you actually took the time to make your bed? Oh lord, I’m weak in the knees.
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6. We want you to offer us a t-shirt to sleep in. In theory it’s s3xy to sleep in just a br@ and underwear, but that’s totally not comfy. Unless we’ve already fallen asleep nekked, please offer us an oversize tee to snooze in.
7. Ask before you do anything crazy. Facials? Butt s3x? Deep throating? Please ask loudly and clearly (and listen for an answer) before attempting any of these polarizing moves.
8. Don’t make us feel awkward when something embarrassing happens. We’re likely already mortified. s3x doesn’t always go to plan. People f@rt and get muscle cramps and fall off the bed. Brush it off and move on.
9. We’re telling our friends everything in the morning. It’s not cruel gossip, it’s female bonding. You can bet your life savings that our friends know about the Mickey Mouse shaped birthmark on your inner thigh, the way you make a funny giggle when you come and that you named your penis.
10. Call or text the next day. Unless it was a clear one night stand scenario, please be decent enough to shoot a “thanks, that was fun” text the next day. Nothing feels worse (except #4) than spending a fun night with a guy, getting your hopes up and then never hearing from him again. Let us down easy.
11. The 4th date rule is a lie. We might sleep with you on the first date. We might wait until the 100th date. Assuming that there’s a predetermined date where you’re magically going to get laid is basically setting yourself up for disappointment.
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